Is the behavior inSalsa, Bachata, Kizomba dance socials getting better or worse? Tango has some códigos (etiquette and rules) at their Milongas (dance socials) that avoid those cringey, awkward moments. Tango isn't immune but the "code" certainly helps. Considering that Tango has been around since the mid-1800's, this community has had a head start in establishing a safe, fun environment for everyone.
Salseros, Bachateros and Kizombeiros can employ tandas, cabeceo and the delicious moments before the abrazo (embrace) to make the interactions on the SBK dance floor much more pleasant and fun!
Tandas: a set of songs
In Tango, we dance three-four songs in a row. Tango is such a unique, intimate and technical dance and a tanda gives you time to calibrate, get to know each other's musicality, body technique and play! It also encourages the social part of the night. Knowing that you have up to four songs to dance with that person, the polite protocol is to have a short chat before you start dancing. Emphasis on "short." This isn't the moment to flirt with the person you're about to embrace!
How tandas could impact the dance etiquette in Salsa and Bachata
Get off to a bad start when you dance with someone new? The typical Salsa/Bachata format of one song = one dancer usually means dancers are frenzied, trying to fit in as many moves and styling into one dance to make each song as spectacular as possible. The Diva in all of us might thrive in that adrenaline rush, but it can also be draining. Conversely, if you have up to four songs to get to know someone briefly as a human being and their dance style it might be a more profound experience. Go figure.
More about tandas The three-four songs of the tandas are usually by the same Tango music band, or the very least, the same style. For instance, the DJ could dedicate a tanda of three-four songs to Pugliese, a famous composer. Or the DJ could decide to play a tanda of Tango Waltz, which is a sub-genre. Ideally, the songs should vary a little in tempo so that the couple gets to try something slow and faster together.
The DJ makes it easy for the dancers to understand when a tanda ends and begins because each tanda is demarcated by a cortina (curtain). During this cortina, the DJ plays random music: anything except Tango. For example, the DJ could play Swing or Salsa music, Big Band 20s Jazz, Madonna, Bad Bunny. Anything. This also gives you time to find who you'd like to dance the next tanda with. Continue reading to hear the fascinating way that tangueros ask for a dance!
How tandas could impact the dance etiquette in Kizomba
Kizomba has some Tango influences, one of them being that you normally dance three songs and the DJ tends to play "sets" of similar music. But there's nothing as clear as a cortina in Kizomba to tell you to move on. So sometimes you can dance for an hour, two, three or even the entire night with just one partner!
Dancing for hours with the same partner in a social is problematic in many ways:
favoritism
awkwardness due to perceived sexual pressures
not enough rotation among partners and therefore less satisfactory nights for the majority of dancers
some dancers don't get to dance hardly at all
top dancers may underestimate other dancers if they're dancing only with a select few for hours on end
The negative of dancing in tandas
What if after your first song you discover you don't actually like dancing with this person and you've already agreed to the tanda? It's rude in Tango not to give someone a chance and finish out your tanda. Now you're stuck for three or four songs, even if you don't like their style. By dancing a couple more songs and giving them a shot, however, you might be surprised and end up liking the dances.
*Important: you can always cut a dance short - in any dance - if your partner did something inappropriate, such as flirting when you're not into it, doing dangerous moves on a crowded dance floor, if they've physically hurt you, display creepy behavior, inappropriate touching, whispering, etc.
Cabeceo: How Tangueros ask for a dance
"Wow! That person wanted to dance with me so badly, I didn't even see them and they grabbed me by the arm and started dancing immediately!" Yeah, you feel flattered when you first start going out to dance. After a while, though, those yanks on your arm hurt. Also you realize you were ambushed! And they didn't give you a chance to say no. Hm. Guerrilla warfare on the dance floor?
The fact is, you don't have to say yes to every request for a dance. You can choose to dance when you want to, with whom you want to and for the joy of it.
To alleviate this, Tango has a "code" called cabeceo. Cabeza in Spanish means "head." Cabeceo, then, means nodding with your head. Tango code: do not walk up to a dancer if you haven't already gotten their "yes" by a head nod from across the room.
Great vid! Around the 00:20 second mark you see the cabeceo in action.
The Art of Asking for a Dance, Step-by-Step
1. Asking for a dance using cabeceo
Step-by-step, this is how to do it. Stake your claim to a table or an area. That way everyone always knows more or less where everyone is. Usually during the cortina, leads look around for someone to dance invite to dance, although, of course, follow are also looking. Ideally, you try to make eye contact with someone in your area. Kind of stalker-ish but without the creepy thoughts. 🤪 If you've made firm eye contact, tilt your head or nod with a happy "question" expression. If the dancer nods "yes," however then you'll dance that tanda! What if the person I want to dance with is far? It's acceptable to walk around to look for them, but it is unacceptable to ask face-to-face for a dance, or grab their hand. You must stay at a respectful distance, possibly 3-4 tables away and use your eyes and head to subtly gesture. Distance and subtlelty gives them the opportunity to say no in a graceful manner.
Succinct and powerful endorsement for the cabeceo.
2. Denying a dance when someone has asked using cabeceo
This is simple. You just pretend like you didn't see the cabeceo and look away. Or to be more direct, you can shake your head "no." It's done. This person should understand you said no and they will simply try to cabeceo someone else. Asking from a distance helps the asker save face, and the person who was asked the awkward situation of having to reject someone who is standing right in front of them.
Oops. I accidentally made eye contact. Now what?
You nonchalantly, without any expression, just move your glance away. Pretend you didn't even see the person. Whatever you do, don't make any movements that look like a yes nod. And life goes on.
Someone came up to me in a Milonga without me accepting during cabeceo and asked me for a dance. What do I do?
That person broke the code. Attending a Milonga is not accidental, and it's not something anyone does without having been introduced to the culture in some way. The person who has asked you to dance without waiting for cabeceo knows they are breaking the dance etiquette. Almost every time I've accepted in a situation like this I've regretted it. The dance is usually clunky and rough. The dancer might think you don't know the Tango code. Red flag. Beware!
3. You've accepted a dance and a song starts! What's the código to start dancing?
So you've already done the cabeceo and agreed to dance the next tanda. Generally the follow stays put and the lead walks to the follow. This is protocol because sometimes the cabeceo is sent to the wrong person! Imagine if two follows both thought they had accepted a dance from the same lead and both got up. There might be a throw down. To avoid this, the follow stays in place and the lead comes directly to the dancer they'd intended to dance with and stretches out their hand or offers the crook of their arm. It goes as well that the follow may have said yes to another lead, but this confusion happens less frequently.
4. You finished dancing your tanda... but you're not done yet!
The lead doesn't just abandon the follow the second the dance is finished, like in SBK socials. In Tango the lead accompanies the follower back to the table or area they were occupying. Let that sink in.
How cabeceo can impact the Salsa, Bachata and Kizomba dance community
We just wanna dance to our jam, enjoy the good vibes and have fun when we go out to dance!
The dance floor is a microcosm of society.
Can we avoid chaos and play nice on this playground? The cabeceo protocol makes asking for a dance a more polite, thoughtful process. It's also quite egalitarian. Everyone has the equal right to ask and accept or reject without the "asker" feeling embarrassed or throwing a fit.
El Abrazo, (The Embrace) in Tango
In Tango, it's two bodies dancing as one. Gulp. Now that's intimate! How is it that tangueros have managed to keep this dance alive for so long without it getting creepy? Tango code. A lead should not pull their follow into their arms or even be the first to make contact!
If you've ever watched tangueros start to dance, they take a languishing moment to connect in their frame. The lead offers their hands, opens their arms, and allows the follow to walk into their arms and the follow makes the first connection. This isn't just for the drama. It's to give the follow the option to be as close ... or as far as they are comfortable.
Wherever that connection is, whether it's chest-to-chest OR in an open embrace - arms to arms with plenty of space in between - the lead graciously welcomes whatever abrazo the follow offers. The lead can also use their forearms to set a distance.
Take out your pen. Permanent ink if possible. Write "abrazo" and all of the details directly on you brain.
Once in the embrace the lead shifts from one foot to the other to calibrate and understand where their follow's weight is before taking their first step.
This can take several eight counts. But again, there is time. There are up to four songs the couple can dance together. No pulling. No rush.
How the abrazo can benefit the Salsa and Bachata dance socials
Agreeing to a dance does not mean that all goes. What kind of trauma has this person been through 😆 that, fearfully, they immediately disclose: "I don't dance Bachata Sensual," "I'm not flexible," "I don't like dips," or "my back hurts, I've got to take it easy."
Taking your time in the abrazo offers both parties the choice to set the tone for the dance.
More details on the tango código.
And here's my mashup video of my DanceVacay in to train in Tango in Buenos Aires!
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